Why is writing scary?

My love-hate relationship with writing.

Writing is scary because if you dare to be sincere, you are allowing the most direct access to your thoughts by others. You are forever recording that internal, private and intimate voice of yours by giving them a microphone.

You show how shallow yor thinking it is, and therefore how shallow you are. (Am i mistaken with this deduction?) You are allow yourself to be judged. You are giving people the most direct access to your most private parts: your thoughts.

I fear what people will think. Why even invite people to my private space: not just any people, everyone; the potentially belligerent, the potentially rude, potentially the people who will come in with their shoes, spit on the floor and desecrate my most most prized mantlepiece (gifted to me by a person I can’t name nor remember). If I wouldn’t do invite everyone with my house, why do it with my brain? The last refuge I have when all others fail.

And then would I be so fucking stupid so as to publish it? Put it out into the world. Allow everyone to know what I think? They literally say always keep them guessing, and you want me to put my ideas out there into the world for all to see?

Maybe I have some internalised shame, also. “Are you trying to be poetic?” is a phrase that I still remember. It seems to be similar to the “are you trying to be a philosopher?”. I heard the “are you trying to be Malcom X?”. There is no worser insult. There is nothing that stings more. I feel there is no worse insult than the insult of “trying to be poetic”. It’s the feeling that you have head rested on the palm of your hand because of the weight of your contemplative thoughts as you daze into the distance. It’s the feeling that writing is “gay”.

I say this despite it being my most deepest and most persistent to write. There has been no comparable joy. But I allowed myself to experience such joy because I was forced to write for exams and school homework. I would never write voluntarily. Afterall, I could never risk someone stumbling upon my work and realising that I was “gay”.